I used to sleep as long as I could.
I used to try to trick myself and take pills.
I used to try to find just the right person to be with that would make me happy.
I used to think obsessively about food all the time.
I used to think I was so undeserving.
I used to shrink in front of people because I thought they were better than me.
I didn’t know what I liked because I wanted to be accepted so bad, I sacrificed myself to please others and not cause conflict.
I felt so stuck, so hopeless, and I felt angry.
I didn’t want the cause to be me.
I blamed my thyroid, my mother, my eating disorder (it’s a disease right!?) maybe I was just different.
How could a health and fitness professional be overweight?
I used to shame myself daily.
I used to beat myself up constantly.
I was so afraid to be with myself because underneath the smile, I was mean and abusive to myself.
I didn’t deserve loving relationships, so I sought superficial ones.
If they didn’t work out (and they wouldn’t because I knew I was unworthy of love) it was of no big consequence.
I pushed everything good out of my life, except my work because that kept me busy and I didn’t want to be alone with myself.
I thought I was insane.
I wanted to change, but every time I started to another part of me believed I didn’t deserve it or it wasn’t possible. My constant question to myself was, “what’s wrong with you?” And my brain gave me all the answers I was looking for.
I believed it for so long.
When there was nowhere left to hide, I finally started looking at myself. It was so uncomfortable. I was so angry. I cried a lot. I felt terrible, but after the crying, and looking, I always felt a little better…like a deep itch had been scratched.
I started picturing myself more innocent, like a child. I was just trying to figure it out. I just wanted to be happy.
My binge eating, the pills, drinking, sex were all just symptoms of the unease I felt on the inside from all the abuse I was doing to myself. These habits had a purpose. I was trying to soothe myself and give myself some comfort and temporary reprieve from all the bashing and abuse. It was like hiding in a warm blanket as refuge from the cold, brutal storm. It only lasted a few minutes or sometimes a few hours, but I NEEDED a break.
I kept looking at myself, journaling, questioning my thoughts, and meditating. I started feeling lighter.
I stopped taking pills. It happened very organically without willpower. The desire just dropped away. I stopped my late nights at the club with different men. It didn’t appeal to me anymore. The drinking slowed down and then stopped all together. I felt better when I didn’t do it.
Binging went to overeating. It held on for quite a while longer. I forgave myself, I forgave my mom, and I allowed myself to be everything that I am, overeating and all, and I decided to accept reality and love. I started being kind to myself, setting up boundaries with how much I would work, and I got into routines of self care and treating myself (without food). I started putting the fork down more often. The obsession with food started to dull. I felt more freedom than I ever have. I started pouring all my worthiness and live into my relationships, business, and helping others.
This has been the biggest, most difficult journey of my life and it is constant work, but I don’t mind the work because I feel so GOOD. I know it’s possible because I who I thought was a defective model, left the grip of addiction with grace. It’s not a struggle now, just balance.
You are not a defective model. You can do this. Keep going. I know it’s not easy, but it’s so worth it. Don’t live a half life. Go all in on yourself and don’t give up. Even if you don’t realize it now, you have so much to offer the world. Don’t. Ever. Give. Up.